Trump to Cardinals: “You don’t have the cards”
The passing of a pope is always a solemn event. But Donald Trump doesn’t do solemn, so Saturday’s funeral at the Vatican could be a theater of the absurd. Trump, in his first international trip since returning to office, will find himself seated between Joe Biden (the “very destructive Moron” of his bizarro Easter greeting) and Ukraine’s Volodymyr Zelensky (whom Trump again falsely accused this week of starting the war with Russia). What could go wrong?
It’s not hard to imagine Trump, scanning the marble columns of St. Peter’s Basilica, seeing something more than ceremony (or the chance for another Ukraine-related impeachment): A captive audience of kings, presidents, and cardinals — and an institution on the brink of electing a new pope. In his mind’s eye, there may be opportunity for a deal. Or in mine, at any rate.
After all, it is well past time for a native English-speaking pope. The Catholic Church, a global institution with 1.3 billion adherents, increasingly communicates through English — the language of diplomacy, commerce, influence, and Ask Questions Later. Latin may remain the Church’s official tongue, but in the twenty-first century, a pontiff who could command the global airwaves with neither interpreter nor accent would be a massive asset. Primus omnium, if you will.
And if encouragement were needed for the Papal Conclave to pick one of the 10 American cardinals, Trump certainly has the toolkit: threats, tariffs, transactional leverage, and total absence of shame.
In my vision, I see Trump and JD Vance holding a sit-down with a cardinal boss who looks suspiciously like Ralph Fiennes (who played this exact role in the film Conclave – but also a major Nazi in Schindler’s List). Trump is doing his thing with the index fingers and horizontal hand movements as he advises the cleric that a lotta people wanna see a US pope, and America has “beautiful Catholics” and it’s been a “raw deal” that is “very unfair and very bad.”
“You don’t have the cards,” Trump advises the red-robed man, who, still beset by grief, must now endure Zelensky treatment.
“Did you even say thanks?” asks Vance, stabbing at the air of St. Peter’s Basilica.
Imagining Trump shaking down the Vatican doesn’t strike me as fanciful, since it’s clearly safe to say there’s nothing that’s too absurd for the man. After all, he once attempted to condition military aid to Ukraine on acquiring political dirt on Biden from Zelensky — which got him impeached. And a few years later here he is, he’s trying to shake down the same Zelensky for advantageous “deals” over its strategic minerals, in exchange for military aid.
A president who two months ago had Zelensky expelled from the White House — probably a first — would hardly blanch at roughing up the College of Cardinals. Or, indeed, at leaning over Melania to hector Zelensky about the minerals deal, shouting over the Requiem Mass while the First Lady squints.
erals deal, shouting over the Requiem Mass while the First Lady squints.
The way I see things, in Trump’s version of events the cardinals would simply be another boardroom full of weak negotiators.
Francis was the first Latin American pope. There is some talk now of a pope from Africa, where the church is growing fastest. Cardinal Peter Turkson of Ghana represents the demographic future of the faith. Oddly, racism may not be the only strike against this: The African candidates, alas, are considered too conservative. Higher odds are given Filipinos.
But forget about all that! What better way to make America great again than to finally snag a papacy?
One can envision it now: If the College of Cardinals resists, Trump could threaten tariffs on Vatican exports — collectible stamps, commemorative coins, rare books — or hint at revoking the tax-exempt status of Church properties in the United States. Sacred institutions will not deter him.
There are candidates Trump might find acceptable, and frankly so would I. Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York is genial and understands media. Cardinal Robert McElroy of San Diego would likely be too progressive for Trump’s taste — but Cardinal Raymond Burke, an arch-conservative and sometime Trump ally, would align ideologically (but comes burdened with the kind of grandiose theatricality). Cardinal Wilton Gregory, the Archbishop of Washington and the first African American cardinal, would offer a quiet but profound symbol of change long overdue.
In putting the squeeze on the cardinals, Trump might note that the last non-cardinal elected pope was Urban VI in 1378, suggesting an outsider is rather overdue. You see the genius, right? The Cardinals would head straight to the white-smoke chimney in their stampede to anoint an American, just to keep the scam in-house.
Then again, theoretically, any baptized Catholic male is eligible. Trump is not widely considered papabile (pope-able in Italian), he is not Catholic, he has another job, and displays certain disqualifying behavioral patterns. But then again, he is an old white man, which would be consistent with tradition. If a third term is plausible, why not a concurrent president-pope, after a quick conversion performed on the sidelines of WrestleMania? Think about it.
Personally, I hope the next pope is an American (but not, obviously, Trump). The next pontiff must navigate a world fractured by war, disinformation, and Trump-exhaustion. English fluency, global legitimacy, and a deeper reflection of the Church’s emerging centers of vitality are not luxuries.
The Catholic church certainly has some problems, but popes have serious star power, even among the secular. An American pope might somehow help restore the country’s standing. I think it‘s a great idea. And really, the cardinals have no cards.
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